Give me a time machine...

If you were to travel back in time three months and tell me what my life is like right now, I would probably laugh at you because it would sound so ridiculous. 

A new group of friends, helping someone close through a really difficult time but only being able to do so much, the possibility of someone I never thought would be a possibility and not knowing which direction to take with said person, knowing I'll be traveling around Europe alone without my best friend, losing my favorite co-worker/gaining the twin of my least favorite co-worker, finally figuring out what I want to do career-wise... 

it's all bittersweet.  And confusing, very confusing. 

I don't know what lesson God is trying to teach me right now, but I just hope and pray that I'll make the right decisions and do my best to help others along the way. 

I guess the only comfort I really have is knowing I'm right where I'm supposed to be and my journey will unfold exactly the way it should.

life opens up when you do

The reason I've been a bit off the radar lately is because I've really been trying to make this summer amazing. And so far so good! I've spent the past couple of months doing all things summery and I've loved every second of it. Hence the reason I've spent more time outside than on my computer.

I guess sometimes when things are going really well you have time to stop and take a good long look at life. So far I've learned that:

A. I have no idea what I want to do with major I'm currently majoring in. No idea.

B. Hence the reason why I'll only be taking Spanish and math the next couple of semesters until I figure it out.

C. And also because I need to save up for my month long excursion to Europe that I'll be taking next summer. Win, win.

D. After going to Europe I plan on re-applying for the Disney College Program and moving my butt to sunny California. I guess the one thing I really know I want to be someday is a Disney Imagineer. 

E. After the DCP (that is, if I get in), I'll hopefully know exactly which direction I want to go in at Disney, so I can go back to school confident in my decision.

So now when people ask me what I want to do with my life, although lengthy, I'll finally have an answer. 

Change is good, right?

Infinite Potential

The other day I was standing at the sink washing dishes and watching my dog run around outside in the backyard. I noticed him playing with something and saw to my horror that it was a baby robin. I raced outside and stopped him, but the little bird was really hurt. He had been out with his mom learning how to fly.

I realized that he would never know what it felt like to fly. He was born with all the potential to do so, but his chances were cut short so early in his life. And then I thought about how often we cut ourselves short of our own potential. We are born with the ability to do whatever we set our mind to and work hard to get. And although outside forces sometimes hinder our ability to measure up, the majority of the time we are the ones standing in our own way of greatness. 

So live each day to your fullest potential. Say the things you mean, and do the things you say. Never give up hope or lose faith in yourself, because you have everything you need to achieve anything you want.

In terms of forever...

"The Great Commandment" 

by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

"... There once was an elderly man and woman who had been married for many decades. Because the wife was slowly losing her sight, she could no longer take care of herself the way she had done for so many years. Without being asked, the husband began to paint her fingernails for her.

'He knew that she could see her fingernails when she held them close to her eyes, at just the right angle, and they made her smile. He liked to see her happy, so he kept painting her nails for more than five years before she passed away.' 

That is an example of the pure love of Christ. Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life.

True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.

We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it.

Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us—even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will.

We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming.

The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love. The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy..."

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The pictures I included in this post are of my Grandparents Jack and Nell. They loved each other more than anything in the world. When my Grandpa died several years ago, one of the main things that was said at his funeral was how beautiful their love for each other was. They were together for nearly 60 years and never had a single fight! 
One of my favorite stories was of their first date. My handsome Grandpa had just arrived home from fighting in WWII and all the girls were after him. My Grandma happened to be in his ward and out of all the swooning girls fawning over him, he asked my Grandma on a date. On their date he drove her up to a spot overlooking the Salt Lake Valley that us young kids now call "The Ocean". Even back then it was the prime make-out location. My poor Grandma was uneasy about being there, and her fears grew even more when he casually put his arm around her in the front seat. But instead of going in for a kiss, he reached into the backseat and grabbed his guitar to serenade her! How cute is that? He was the perfect gentleman.

Their story is what I dream for myself to someday have. Even though I was young, I knew just by watching how they would look at each other that their love was pure and unwavering. Sometimes it's hard not knowing if I'll ever find someone who will treat and love me as much as my Grandpa loved my Grandma, but after reading this talk by Elder Wirthlin I know that if I never give up hope, someday I'll be able to start my own love story with someone just as loving and dear as he was.

The Travel Bug

I have the travel bug... quite possibly because I've been at home all weekend with a cold so naturally I've been living on my couch watching travel shows on Netflix. One of those shows was Destination Truth. They basically go to all sorts of places all over the world searching for myths. Like leprechauns in Ireland, lake monsters in Turkey, ghosts at Chernobyle, mermaids in the Caribbean, lizard men in South Carolina... you get the picture. I want a job like that. Best. Job. EVER!

Somewhere in-between watching these shows, crocheting scarves, and playing Pocket Frogs on my iTouch (highly entertaining), I made a list of the Top 5 places I want to see in the (hopefully) near future.

1. Egypt

Going to Egypt is my absolute DREAM. Egyptian history has always been my absolute favorite: if I were to pick any time and place to live, it would be Ancient Egypt. When I go, I want to ride a camel beside the pyramids, and explore tombs in the Valley of the Kings, and sail down the Nile, and see everything in the Egyptian Museum in Cairo. Zahi Hawass is basically my hero.

2. Europe

I decided to group all of Europe into this category because it would fill up the rest of my Top 10 if I didn't. I want start out in the UK, considering that's where my ancestor's are from. I want to see the rolling Irish fields, the hustle and bustle of London, and reenact the battle in Braveheart in Scotland. Then I'll head to the mainland and see Paris, the Alps, visit my friends in Germany, eats loads of European chocolate, and then I'll end the visit in Italy. My second favorite history is the Roman's history. I want to take one of those cheesy thumbs up/down pictures in the Colleseum, ride on the back of some hot Italian man's Vespa, try every flavor of gelato, find the Pope at the Vatican, and throw a coin in every fountain I see. 

3. India

I think the Indian culture is quite possibly the most beautiful culture in the world. I love the bright colors and the intricate designs... I just love everything about it. After going to the Holi Festival here in Utah last Spring, going to an actual Holi Festival in India was added to my bucket list. Another thing on my list is riding an elephant through the jungle. 

4. Africa

When I was in the 9th grade, my fellow classmates and I had the daunting task of having to memorize every country of the world in our geography class. At the end of the year we had to draw and label the entire world. As frightening as that may sounds, it was one of my favorite classes. The best part was the 'Africa Song', which put all 53 countries in Africa to a catchy tune... It's basically the 'Small World' song of geography classes, you'll never be able to forget it. It's been years since 9th grade, but I can guarantee you that everyone who ever learned the 'Africa Song' can still sing every line of it today. Even though I can list every country in Africa, I couldn't tell you exactly where I want to go there. Just as long as there are adorable African children to hug, giraffes and zebras on a jeep safari, and loads of kaki attire, I'm there.

5. New York City

The Big Apple! It's one of those places that you have to experience at least once (if not more than once) in your life. My need to see the city only intensified after I started watching Gossip Girl. Now all I want is to stroll around the Upper East Side in designer clothes. Eating New York famous pizza and seeing a show on Broadway are a must as well.

These are just a few of the places I want to see before I die. All I know is that my goal is to see as many places in this breathtaking world we live in as I can. All I need now is a boat-load of cash and a passport... the passport part will be easy, finding a boat filled with cash? Not so much.

Absolutely

I've come to learn that sometimes I am better off alone. I'm happier, I have more time to focus on the important things in life, I work harder and laugh louder. When I start falling in love my mind is always on him... I can't concentrate, my mind is always racing. One second I'm on top of the world and the next I'm getting smashed at the bottom. I spend less and less time with the people that mean the most to me and lose pieces of myself along the way. And then, when my world drops out from under me, I'm left with nothing.

I'd like to believe that someday the right person will come along and love me like my grandfather loved my grandmother: completely and absolutely. But until that day comes, I'm perfectly okay with being alone.

Nobody puts baby in the corner...

I thought I knew what I wanted,
only to find out what I wanted wasn't what was best for me.
I jumped in feet first only to scrape the bottom,
and that scares me more than anything...
to have no space to grow.

It makes me want to run to somewhere far from here.
A fantasyland.
A place where I can sink my feet into the ocean
and find a person different than the one I now see in the mirror.
A place just beyond that empty space at the end of each fingertip,
close enough to reach out and touch
in case fantasy doesn't live up to reality.

Birthday Wishes

So today is my birthday. I am now in my very last year as a teenager *tear*sniff*. Every year I set my alarm for 5:00am so I can reminisce about the past year and think about how much I have changed. It's always weird to me every time; counting down the seconds I have left in that particular year in my life. And then at 5:01am, I'm a whole year older.

This morning I replayed my eighteenth year all over again and I can honestly look back and say I don't regret a thing.

My last few months of high school were definitely tough. Brighton High School became a prison to me after sophomore year and I was practically counting down the days until I graduated. It wasn't until a month before graduation that I realized it was nearly over. And instead of being happy about it, I was actually kind of sad. So I went to every graduation party, I decided to stop caring about what everyone else thought and just be myself, I took hundreds of pictures to save the memories, and I decided to try and enjoy myself. Funny thing is that I actually did. I was sick of my past mistakes dictating how I lived my life so I changed that. When graduation day came around I didn't know how to feel. Half of me was extremely happy and relieved to finally be done, and the other half wanted to start all over and not take one second for granted.

That summer my grandmother was pretty sick and needed someone to take care of her. So I went over to her house almost every day and spent the best summer of my entire life there. On the days she wasn't feeling well I would sit in the rocking chair next to where she was sleeping on the couch and read or played soduko or wrote in my journal. My favorite memory that summer was on a day Grandma was feeling really happy and well. We pulled out some chairs that were stored in the garage and sat on her back porch and simply talked and laughed and napped and watched the birds in the bird feeder. Grandma was reading the newspaper and she covered her face with it while she slept. I remember looking in the back garden at all the white daises and gazing up at the dark summer blue sky and just listening to her breathe softly. That same day I went down to the lawn and picked a whole sack full of ripe pears from the pear tree and we stood in front of the window by the kitchen sink and ate so many we had to take another nap. Time seemed to slow to almost a halt at Grandma's house. The way she took  time to do everything she did amazed me. I was so used to busy, busy, busy and multitasking and getting everything done as fast as possible. I'm so grateful for my beautiful Grandma and how she taught me to sloooow dooown and smell the roses. I love my Grandma more than anything and that summer will always have a very special place in my heart.

When the summer months died down I went back to school. This time it was college and I was in for a world of change. The campus at the University of Utah is enormous. The first day I thought I was going to die because it was in the high 90's and I swear all my classes were on opposite sides of the campus. Eventually the long walks became one of my favorite part of going to school each day because I got to stretch my legs and breathe in the clean mountain air. I made a lot of new friends and strengthened old ones. I fell in love with the diversity there. Everyone I met was completely different than the next person and I loved just sitting on the grass under the big oak trees and watching all the different people go by and catching bits of their conversations. I learned how hard college was. I had to nearly fail a class to realize it, but now I know. It gave me a greater appreciation for the chance I have to learn and grow here.

This was the year I started dating again. All through high school it seemed that no matter how many times I would fall for a guy I would always end up hurt and bitter. By the time senior year rolled around I totally swore off dating because I was sick of guys thinking I was just some kind of toy they could toss out when they got bored or found something better. It carried over into my first semester at the U because I was so afraid of getting hurt again. And then one day at the start of this semester a guy at the bookstore asked for my number and suddenly dating wasn't such a big deal anymore. One thing my dating break taught me is that everything happens for a reason and to not even worry about what might or might not happen in the future. It taught me to simply live each moment as it comes and see where it takes you. It had been forever since I had the butterflies after meeting and getting to know someone knew and somehow the break made it all the more sweeter and exciting.

A year ago today I was a completely different person than I am now. I had a slightly sour disposition on life and it seemed that nothing really caught my interest or excited me much. Then a change in my surroundings and routine woke me up and I myself changed not only who I was, but changed my entire outlook on life.

So this year as I blow out my birthday candles, I will wish for a new year that is just as amazing and change-filled as last. I wish that at 5:00am on February 10, 2011,  I will be able to look back on this year with no regrets and that I will be proud of who I am and what I accomplished. And hopefully at 5:01am, when I turn 20, I will be able to go back to sleep content and happy with the direction my life is going.

Here's to being 19! May this year be full of laughter, smiles, love, happiness, and the occasional pitfall so I can learn to pick myself back up again. Cheers!

Life

Disney College Program... Do or Don't?

To move to California, or not?... that is the question.

I really want to take up this opportunity to intern at Disneyland, but I'm so worried I'll make the wrong decision that I can't think straight! My mom talked to a lady in my ward that said it is really rare to get into this program because they only accept 200 people per term. So I should take it, right?

I have wanted to move to California for the longest time and this is probably my only chance. But I would be gone for 8 months and I don't know how I would do being away from home for that long.

Things I will miss if I go...

- I would miss my dog. He is my best friend and I am afraid if I go he won't recognize me when I get back.

- My family. For some reason I can't imagine myself not being at the dinner table every night... that would be so weird. And there is always the possibility that my family will pick up and leave while I'm gone haha.

- My Grandma. I've taken care of her since summer and I think if I leave she'll snap and get sick again. I told my mom this and she told me not to live for Grandma, but I have to live for myself. It sounds selfish but in a way she's right.

- My best friend Rachel. Rach is the best friend in the whole world and it would be SO hard to be away from her for so long. We see each other almost everyday and I will probably cry every night that I'm gone because she won't be there with me :[

- My own bed.

- "Barbie Ken"

Reasons I should go...

- It is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I know I will never forgive myself if I don't try.

- I won't have to be in Utah for the dreaded winter months. I hate snow, Anaheim doesn't have any :]

- This is probably my only chance to move out before I get married. I want the experience of living on my own.

- My apartment is 30 minutes from the beach. Nuff said.

- I would be in Disneyland everyday.

- I would meet TONS of new people from all over the world.

Things I'm worried about...

- Getting weird roomates.

- Not making any friends.

- Hating my job and therefore ruining the magic of Disneyland.

- Getting sick and not having my mommy to take care of me :[

- Missing out on family moments.

- Starvation.

Whew! Venting feels good. I have been researching the apartment building I would be staying in and it is SO nice! Here are some pictures...

The building.

 

The living room and kitchen.

 

Bathroom and outdoor courtyard.